Roller Coasters – it’s a love/hate relationship! I love the end when my feet are safe on the ground and I’m laughing at the photos in the gift shop. On the other hand, I hate the way they make me feel. I hate the big drops. I hate the slow climbs. I hate not being in control.
The process of H and I trying to conceive our first babe is exactly like a roller coaster. I love the end result – There isn’t anything that I want more in this world than for H and I to be moms. I hate the process. I hate not knowing what to say or do. I hate not being in control.
Together, H and I have decided that we are more than ready for our first babe; H will carry first and I will carry 2nd. Initially, being more than excited, I woke up every day overjoyed to be one step closer to conceiving. I made a rule that Hil would hold my hand any chance we had at our appointments. H made a rule that I wasn’t allowed to ask how she felt a million times a day I read story after story about successful IUI’s. I assumed being young and healthy and fit would make this a breeze for us! BOY WAS I WRONG! As time went on, I began to wake up every day slightly unsure of what the day will bring. Realizing quickly many couples struggle to conceive, I began to question if I was strong enough to go through this process. Will labs and ultrasounds tell us we are cleared to try or will I have to scramble for the words to comfort H when results tell us that we can’t try this cycle? “I love you”, “It will happen when it’s supposed to”, “Don’t worry about it”, all great things to say, but not helpful in the moment. The funny thing I’ve come to terms with is there are no comforting words. There isn’t anything I could say or do to make H or myself feel better. Comprehending this fairly fast has brought H and I closer together. I’ve learned when to stay quiet or talk things through. I know when it’s best to confide in close friend’s vs spin in circles talking to each other. And ultimately just yesterday before I let myself be overcome with tears or loss of words I realized that “the best things in life are worth waiting for” and DAMN I’d try anything and wait forever for Baby Greggy.
Baby.Babe.Babe.Baby.Babe – It’s all A and I think about. It’s what we are ready for. We want to be moms!
Last year A and I agreed we were ready to grow our little fam so the journey began! Initial appointments went well, the donor was selected and we were ready! Unfortunately my body never showed that it was ovulating. We began to stress. We sold and bought a house. We stressed. I was unexpectedly laid off. We stressed. With all of these signs we decided to wait.
Fast forward exactly a year…
A and I decided that we were (again) ready to start the process of having a little babe. Another appointment with our fertility clinic was made and off we were again! We talked about what kind of parents we would be, how the dogs would act, who we would tell, when we would tell, names, etc. Our first time was easy, a few ultrasounds, blood work and a quick IUI procedure. Too easy! A and I (un)patiently waited the two weeks, A asked me how I felt EVERYDAY, I tracked symptoms, read a TON of blogs and then finally tested. Negative. We were ok with this as we knew the success rates were low. A and I were ready and excited to try again.
The next month flew by with more appointments and encouraging news from our doctors. Our encouraging news led us to believe that we would have our second IUI this week! Yay! Unfortunately, on the same day of our last great appointment, I received a call from our doctor. I was in a meeting and couldn’t answer, but saw the 5-minute voicemail and knew that it couldn’t be good. I listened. I remembered very few words. All I knew was that something wasn’t right and we wouldn’t be moving forward with the procedure this cycle. I began to doubt myself, my body! There is nothing I could think to comfort myself so I broke down in tears.
Back to the doctors we went the next day and heard the same news. “That’s really strange,” “I’ve never seen this,” “this cycle is weird.” I left the appointment feeling sad and disappointed. I had no idea what was going to happen next. The only thing I knew for sure was that during the next cycle, I would be on medications to help the process. I cried again.
Now we wait, patiently again, hoping that we will learn more in our next appointment. I’m trying to stay positive! This process is HARD. I’m so lucky that I’ve got A holding my hand every step of the way. She’s my rock. She gets it when I don’t want to talk about it, when I cry about it or when I want to get mad about it. I don’t know when it’ll happen for us or if it will but what I do know is that it won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it!